Category Archives: Wisdom

I have been wrong.

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The liberation of being wrong, having it pointed out, then being told how to fix it is hard to measure.

Until recently I held a self limiting belief that I was uber talented, and the world refused to recognise it. I felt hard done by. The problem with that mindset is, that yes whilst I had some results and a few things I could point to as being “better than average”. There was nothing other people pointed to and went “woah”. (With the odd mind blow sentence being the exception)

When something comes along that questions your mindset, the usual response is denial and excuse. The world is very forgiving of denial and excuse, because most people do it too.

Being smarter than the people I grew up with, didn’t automatically mean I was smarter than everyone I met. Having a few good ideas, didn’t qualify me as unique. Those ideas have no value without action.

The problems in my life are my fault. Destructive behavior like over spending means I don’t have spare cash to buy things I want. Not pursuing girls hard enough means, I don’t have high quality girls in my life. It’s only at work where there are people who see the talent and WANT it to shine, that I get challenged. You know it really bothers me, that I know women who can never meet the right guy. I could be that guy for them, but I am just too lazy or forgetful. Irritating!

I love a challenge. But am fundamentally lazy.

Now I see this. I see it everywhere.

I am two people in one. I can be distant, uninterested and bored even when there are plenty of reasons not to be. Or I can be engaging and the most interesting person you ever met. There is very little rhyme or reason to these flows. It probably has something to do with hormones, mood and the lunar cycle. Learning to manage it, and even it out is a bugger though. Consistency would be nice.

I feel like breaking the cycle with a little adventure.

Frustration of aging

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For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m working for a boss who wants to help me improve, and will go the extra mile to help me. In business a rare experience. It feels all shiny and new… like when you get a new phone.

The current job is great, except for the 50 minute commute either side (in good traffic). There are prospects, good people and the company has a pretty strong future. The weird sensation is being right back in the politics of it all though. Having to actually battle to get work done, and not fall into the blame game takes it out of you.

It’s a strange company where you have to fight to do a project, you also have to fight to get it delivered, and resourced. Then if it slips because of anything at all, people always try to stick it on you. I’m used to a process world. Where everyone goes to look for the email chain and evidence first. This is insanity. Luckily my boss has the experience to teach me how to fight back, and will do so on my behalf when I’m out.

As a result I WILL work my ass off for that guy… BUT.

The whole thing doesn’t feel right. I can’t do this forever.

I feel stressed out, and like I never have spare time. My mum just moved house and is getting lonley and I can’t go see her more than once a week because I have to work so hard just to keep work and my own life going. I get it, people have harder lives, but this is tough because there is no respite.

I feel bad about not having seen my Dad or Grandmother in nearly 6 months. They’re not bad people. I miss them. The plans to control my life, they’re in place, but always seem just around the corner.

I am frustrated. I want fun, and to see friends again, see my family and have some spare “ME” time left after all of that. Surely with all that, my contribution is valueable. My ideas useful?

Rant over. If you can relate, tell me how you got out of it! :)

Blue Monday

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So apparently today is the gloomiest day of the year. “Blue Monday” & I’m listening to the blues, but then I never did buy the idea that it was depressing genre. It’s more of a release valve for emotion. Today is characterised more by boredom & impatience than anything. Will the company who interviewed me get back with an answer already? I’m ready. More so than ever.

It’s funny that the optimists society want to claim today as their own, and quite typical of them really. Although there is something to be said for making your own luck & persistence as opposed to pure optimism. Emotional attachment to the future is pretty useless. To quote the turtle from Kung Fu panda who is hella wise:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present

How cool is that! Listening to a Will Smith interview with Radio 1 was revealing. He was saying he almost struggles to dwell on & remember bad times. It sounded familiar. Who needs bad times, fun can be made. All we gotta do is go make it. Easy really :)

Questions, Answers & Meaning

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When were you happiest?
Hard to say, Im always pretty happy. Getting the “all clear” was pretty good, and being in the VIP areas of Vegas knowing that my life is amazing too. But often the best moments are listening to music on a train adoring the scenery, or even just looking out of the window while a breeze hits you. Life is joy.

What is your greatest fear?
Success and failure.

Earliest memory
Pushing my head against the cot at about 18 months old.

Which living person do you most admire?
Living… Hard to say. Anyone who has achieved and is happy in their life. We can learn from everyone. Whether its what to do, or what not to do.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My lazyness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Two faced people. The only thing required to be a friend of mine is honesty. Anyone who bitches behind my back quickly becomes a former friend.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
Meh. Who knows.

Excluding property, what’s the most expensive thing that you’ve ever bought?
Probably my car.

What is your most treasured possession?
Life, then health. This year brought that home to me. After that my PC. Not because its amazing (and it is), but because it has all my music, films, photos and best work. It contains my ideas and is a reflection of the world I live in.

Where would you like to live?
Probably Malibu, or Miami.

What would your super power be?
Life is amazing because its a struggle. Success is only pleasurable because we have to work for it. I’m actually not sure I’d want to remove that mechanism. Although I would love the Orgasmo ray from Orgasmo. I have something similar in glove form though.

What makes you depressed?
Very few things, it has to be a pretty big build up of lots of stuff.
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What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Right now, probably that my body still is quite where I want it, and I don’t have the budget for all the various clothing looks Id like to have. But my image is something I took years to find. Im quite happy with it.

Would you rather be clever and ugly, or thick and attractive?
Im quite happy being clever and attractive thank you. Casanova was UGLY. Appearance has nothing to do with being attractive.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
Who could play me?

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I don’t really know. I like all of lifes pleasures and admit to them.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Some say arrogance. I say fuck them.

What is your fantasy fancy dress costume of choice?
Surfer always.

What is your current Favourite word
Constabulary. It doesn’t mean anything like what you’d expect it to. “Con” and “stab” and burly almost sounds like a crime.

What is your favourite smell?
Good question. It depends on the time of day and the mood. Early on a Sunday, bacon. Late evening on a Saturday, womenz.

What is your favourite book?
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. It speaks to my raw evangelical positive views of life.

What is the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you?
I think it’s a good thing that I can’t remember. People can be as nasty as they like. I know who my real friends are.

Cat or dog?
Dog, every single time. Look a playful dog in the eye and tell me they are not angels of joy.

What or who is the greatest love of your life
The sheer randomness, vastness and brilliance of people and the world they inhabit. I like lots of things many people see as apposing. I love sport and I love politics. I love philosophy and materialistic, simple human pleasures. I love how there is so much to learn, I love how I feel when I understand something better. I love helping people learn. I adore affection and being affectionate. I love how life has no rules but those you make yourself. I love how as humans we are truly free. I love how anything is possible.

Is it better to give or to receive?
Such an open ended question, and a tad cliché. It depends on the situation and who’s involved. Its often better to teach someone how to provide for themselves than to just hand out. (Looky, I found secret option C)

What do you owe your parents?
I owe my mum everything. She is an example of true unconditional love and happiness. She is constantly happy to see me, and always supportive. For her I want to succeed and make her proud. I want to be remembered in history as a great person, in honour of how well my mother raised me. I am nothing but the product of an incredible upbringing, with some travel and soul searching thrown in.
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If you could go back in time, where would you go?
The 1960s. I think its the most interesting period in human history. It was the first socially mobile generation, it saw the invention of the “teenager”. It was also the time of biggest change, the height of the cold war. I love the iconography, the music and the feel of it all.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
To anyone who was ever offended or hurt by me. It has never been my intention.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being who I am. How can you encapsulate 23 years of achieving in a paragraph?

What does love feel like?
Bubblewrap. Emotionally and in terms of pure satisfaction

The best kiss of your life
The next.

Have you ever said I love you and not meant it.
Yup. Although in retrospect, I have since denounced the idea of “love” as a lifetime achievement and measuring stick of your success in society. It may sound nihilistic but “Love” as we know it was invented by advertising to sell a product. The world drops a whole load of rules on you to sell those products. Those rules don’t exist, and success comes to those who realise that

Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria (when her hair was longer). Im still pushing for that sandwich.

Which living person do you most despise and why?
I try not to despise people, but certainly their actions I can deplore. Right now I hate those who are two faced. I hate when someone is so convinced that their world view is right, that they will continue with a negative status quo to keep it, especially in the geopolitical arena.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Depends on the week, I’m a MEME addict.

Biggest disappointment
Indie music. Whats the point? It’s safe, establishment pop. I wouldn’t mind if they admitted it, but they act like its so fucking edgy. It’s not at all. Hendrix would roll over in his grave, and Sid Vicious would be on stage trying to beat the shit out of the Arctic Pop Band.

If you could edit your past, what would you change
My school years were pretty boring. A typical “If I knew then what I know now”… but I wouldn’t be me then would I.

What is the worst job you’ve done?
Cleaning runny doggy poo whilst a funeral was going on downstairs.

When did you last cry and why?
When I heard the news I had the all clear. I wonder why…

How do you relax?
Stabbing cats.

How often do you have sex?
Varies greatly, but then so does my libido. I’ve gone through stages where its super regular in and out of relationships, and stages where I’m more dry. It’s not my primary motivation the majority of the time, but with that said I’m heading to Cancun Tuesday. Its one of those, the more I get, the more I want things.

What is the closest you’ve come to death?
Stepped out in front of a few cars and busses in my time.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
A solid job offer in LA.

What keeps you awake at night?
Insomnia mostly. I’m a nightcrawler with ADD.

How would you like to be remembered?
As someone who came, saw and enjoyed life. If I want to leave this world anything, it would be the understanding of the variety of subjects I enjoy. Or at least the passion to gain that understanding.

What song would you like played at your funeral
Incubus – Make yourself.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
If I hadn’t made me
I would have been made somehow
If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’d have fallen apart by now…
If you let them make you
They make you paper mushe
At a distance you’re strong
Until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away

If you let them fuck you
There will be no foreplay
Rest assured they’ll screw you complete
Turn your asshole blue and grey.

You should make amends with you
If only for better health
But if you really want to LIVE
Why not try, and make yourself
Make. Yourself.
MAKE… YOURSELF!!

Where would you most like to be right now?
On a beach in Cancun.

Tell us a joke.
No

Tell us a secret.
Do I have any? I can tell an interesting story. I once swallowed a 10p. Throwing and catching is more difficult than you would first thing when you have poor depth perception.

Why I couldn’t sleep

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I went to the doctors earlier today, and I knew they were going to tell me off for having missed appointments over christmas (I was ill), and then re-arranging one to go to Vegas. I still went there quite confident my recent pains were the remains of infection that just WONT go away.

My reasoning is this, The pain got worse after I stopped antibiotics, it hit me on a flight to Vegas, and gave me upset stomach and gurgling. A few days later it subsided. So I get to the oncology ward, my usual bouncy quite happy self, and they make me wait JUUUUUUST long enough to be bored and not quite so happy.

I head in, and get said bollocking, and they mention the sample they took of my wee had no sign of infection. My first though is why would it? The infection isn’t in my bladder… but then surely and infection infects all of you?… But then I was on the antibiotics at the time I gave the sample.

Anyways, all this stuff is swirling around my head instead of sleep. That and discomfort in the lower abdomen and around sensitive parts. I’m writing this out to hope maybe it will leave my head. But how are you supposed to sleep when all you can think is “what if?”

What if I have to shave my head?
What if it spreads to the other ball, no kids?

The worst part about it all is I just want to curl up and hug.

I dont get like this often, I mean its SUPER rare. Normally I want to be the life of the party, and Ive been especially horny and outgoing lately too.

I’m scared. I admit it. Its 4am and I cant sleep.

I wonder whats on BBC news 24.

(Edit, Jan 09: What was interesting about this blog was who didn’t respond to it)

The Value of Wisdom

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If life was a question, the answer would be your eulogy, or at least how you are remembered. So the question is, how will you be remembered and who will be doing the remembering?

Everybody wants and respects wisdom. Those big sentences that give us the “Oh shit” moment and make everything seem so simple. Those are the sentences most wish they could produce.

Yet just like those who live in hot climates long to see snow, and those who live in the cold long for the sun… Wisdom and Learning are two very different things. Wisdom, or more accurately the illusion of wisdom can be constructed from an advanced vocabulary and some lateral thinking.

I find it very easy to out argue somebody, or better articulate their thoughts. In a strange way I can get to the very route of understanding… and you’d think this would be all a person ever needs, and often for other people a good listener is all they need to be content. If only my life were so simple :p

What use are answers without questions? If you remember at school when the teacher gave you questions and answers, you always had to write the question? I would always discard the question and just write the answer. I appear to be wired for thinking that way and here’s how it can be bad.

1) Dogs
2) Insight
3) banana’s
4) Probably Greece
5) Alan Carr
6) Twice a week on average

The above are all the answers to some quite interesting questions. Yet standing alone they are utterly useless. They could be about anything, and it would take some pretty good guess work to figure out what they mean.

How about another example. If you ever cheated and looked at the answers to fill in the crossword, notice how the enjoyment is destroyed. If you ever used a guide to a video game, its nowhere near as fun. We love to discover, its hard-wired.

In effect, having all the answers is USELESS.

In a conversation, or debate if one person starts with a very well rounded and articulate statement covering a lot of possible comebacks, the debate is stifled and the joy is gone. Whenever we are given an answer, we don’t like it that much.

So when we have a friend who can help us express ourselves, we find it intoxicating. Instead of cheating, we are forced to articulate our own thoughts and learn something about ourselves. Communication is one of the joys of living. Not having the answer, but travelling to it WITH OTHERS.

So with several paragraphs of qualification I’m about to make a bold statement. I have always being accused of being a smart arse, of having all the answers. I’ve realised that yes, that’s actually true.

I have a nose for an answer and I will instinctively find it. Of course as I’ve established that’s of no real use to me, beyond a discipline mechanism. I still have to learn and experience things just like anyone else, I just happen to be really good at knowing what to do. Whether I do it or not is a different matter all together, and where I require my friends. Like the guy in the hot climate begging for snow, I need people who challenge and interest me. People who can put up with my shit. The combination of challenge and strong desire to live life to the fullest is an excellent recipe to ensure someone will be close to me.

Whenever you have an epiphany the temptation is to shout it from the rooftops, it creates a rush of mania that is addictive and evangelical. I’ve come to learn that far smarter people than I have had all the epiphanies I have, and articulated them far better. It’s interesting just how wise figures from history that are well known can be.

The issue isn’t that this knowledge doesn’t exist. All your answers are out there… It’s that they have to be tied up into what we call a lifetime. It’s at this point you stop seeing the answer as the goal. The answer alone is useless. It’s how you get there and who with.

If life was a question, the answer would be your funeral, or at least how you are remembered. So the question is, how will you be remembered and who will be doing the remembering?

Tranquility

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There is a place within us, so majestic, so beautiful and tranquil that our whole daily lives become irrelevant.

We are capeable of feeling existence soley within ourselves, the experience is so powerful our body becomes irrelevant, our mind’s thoughts disapear. We experience pure beauty. For some this is a beach with waves crashing, for others it is stars or galaxies, or a temple in China. Maybe for you it is all of the above, but this place exists within you. This is your Majestic Self. Revel in this light, the tranqulility and beauty of who you really are

You are not your bank account
You are not your height
You are not your ability with women

You are the single most amazing thing the universe has ever seen.
You are capeable of moving mountains with desire alone.
You are free, you are alive, you are happy.

You will achieve the object of your desires in life because you will find that within you is the most amazing and wonderful potential. You will find that within you exists the key to understanding. Within you, who you are, right now in this very moment is everything you could ever wish for.

You are on the journey, the journey is the destination, it is how we act today that makes our tomorrow. Take those 15 mins, be inspired, live.

On Happiness

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I have been lambested in the past for saying the most wonderful thing you can do for the people you know, is to learn to love yourself.

It seems counter intuative on the simple level, but when you stop and realise that all negativity, all hurt or bad things you may ever cause come from inner dis-harmony it makes a lot of sense. Angry people, are sad people who do not know or love themselves. They may blame external factors, but this simply adds to the issue.

At your very core is silent happiness, and a sense of being alive.
At your very core is the mat-ernal happiness.
At your very core is a connection to life that is pure white light

Meditation, silence, all forms of spirituality, whilst greeted with cynicism by the mind, are often the greatest ointment for our ils. When we go into ourselves we gain true perspective, we loose all worry, worry is a prison imposed by the minds social barriers. Happiness is within all of us, when we were children we were happy, we lived in the now, if something mad us sad, as soon as we forgot about it we defaulted to happy.

Finding this in yourself will strengthen all relationships you have, it will allow you to accept and love yourself for all your mistakes. All your fears will leave and you will find it easier to trust and love others, if you are not hiding anything.