Category Archives: funny

The A1, Horror Films & Lauren

The A1 is officially the worst road ever, since crappy roads were invented, it takes the No-bell Crappy award for the most impossible road to drive on ever. I don’t mind leaving a house party half way through to rescue a cyclopse, but I do mind shitty roads. The A1 has a habit of throwing roundabouts at you in the middle of nowhere, then requiring you to turn, in a cone wonderland without regard for the fact you were doing 70mph on a dual carriageway. The only thing I can liken it to is being dipped in tar and then asked to navigate a maze on rocket skates. Its downright confusing, dark and evil.

Speaking of dark and evil: Lauren.

No wait. Speaking of dark and evil I got a new tshirt this weekend at the Devildriver / God Forbid gig. God forbid blew my little titties off as I moshed, so I purcahsed the tshirt with the wonderfully antisocial “Metal as Fuck” slogan. I look forward to wearing it in a club that has a very strict door policy. Anyhoo, enough of that tangent, back to our story.

The joy of the A1 ride was Ryan and Sarah kindly joined me. Whilst me and Ryan set the world right with our stunningly accurate observations of humanity and culture, Sarah kept it real like only she can. Offering directions, and when we needed it most; hope. Allow me to elaborate. Roughly 20 miles into the journey we noted how horror movie like our plight was. Our dialogue for this film was witty and had recurring themes and jokes. Then we got lost.

Then Ryan couldn’t pee (Pee anxiety struck in a laybay on the A1 somewhere between doncaster and a tree). It was dark, old school dark. The kind of dark where you can’t hear anything but your car indicator ticking from inside the car and your hands look like impliments off doom. An indicator casts an eerie blinking shadow on a windy hill when you are as exposed as to have your hands and your man part and happen to be pissing.

This would all be fine if we weren’t lost, and very frustrated at being lost. It wasn’t Cyclopses fault, he had done his upmost to inform us where to be. The guy that gave us directions to Tuxford told us it was “just past doncaster”. Tuxford is just past doncaster in the same way North Korea is just past Hull.

After two hours of travelling up and down the A1 and loosing all hope for existence we see a sign for Tuxford… and go sailing past it. Possibly the most bittersweet moment in the existence of humanity. On the A1. Finding Tuxford wasn’t hard after that, but finding the address was obscene. We found 82, 84 and 86… but was Number 81 there? Noooo? What do you do in a situation like that? Call the RAC? Join the circus? No! Bellow out of the window at the top of your lungs: “Bbbuyauhaaaaaaaah!”… In the hope said Cyclopse will hear you. Well you do if your name is Ryan

Being past the point of frustration was a given by now. The closed motorway exit on the way home enforcing a 10 mile detour couln’t hold me back. I was heading to a party where everyone was drunk to find the one sober guy and play video games. I succeeded. I retire to pastures old. I am a hero in my own bedtime. So then a weird woman knocks at the door of mine and Diego’s apartment and claims to have been kicked out of another apartment and need a taxi to Hebbden Bridge. Surreal just doesn’t cut it.

She reminded me of something Ryan said the week earlier whilst we were lost in Birmingham. Birmingham is the only city with URGH and MING in the name. This is for good reason to warn off travellers. I now know this.

*Guitar interlute, ejaculation and goodnight*

Until next time. I have been ranting, and this will never be read all the way through. Ahh tedious inevetibility, I salute you.

And you thought YOU hated PCs?

The better you are with PC’s the more frustrating the problems are. You’d think when you can strip a PC down, build one from scratch and know how every component works PC’s would be your bitch, and never mistifying or obstreperous in any way.

Wrong. Fail. Lose.

I woke up after about 5 hours of sleep this afternoon, quite content to have a lazy day in with my newly arrived freeview box, XBox 360, downloaded tv shows and new HDTV. Except my PC wouldn’t turn on, the freeview didn’t work and the Xbox 360 wouldnt connect to a network. Shit, poo, excrement!

So I hunker down to the wires and wonder that is the back of my PC and begin fiddling, turn on? Nope, nothing. Fiddle some more, remove a few cables. AHA! It boots! But no network. Ok turn off, OOH LOOK, Freeview works. Turn PC off. Freeview died. WHAT THE SMEG. I can only watch freeview when I turn my PC off. I NEVER TURN MY PC off. Its curing cancer, and, more importantly downloading episodes of heroes!

I get angry, throw things, and placate myself with an hour of friends. This amuses me lightly. Jenifer Aniston is hot. Mild sense of achievement.

It annoys me that the machine is trying to beat me. Why won’t my router resolve a DNS? How come I can’t watch heroes on my LCD? And why the hell do I have the window open and the fan blowing when its cold and rainy? I decide to take a urination (… yes its a verb now, I created it, thats what I do, start things), and crack on with beating this damn issue. Wait a second, MAYBE what caused the crash is the very stretched HDMI cable falling out of the video card and dislodging it from the AGP slot. Its enough to cause an interupt at least. More rear PC porn ensues and I find I can now watch heroes on my LCD. Episode 21 in GLORIOUS HD. Turns out Sylar… well, you’ll see.

Still its NAGGING away at me that the damn machine won’t connect. Who does it think it is. Its not BETTER than me, it cant win, they never do. I always win… eventually. My father feeds me keish (which I can’t spell, and hate, but it saved actually cooking or buying food). I perform surgery on my machine, fiddling in the control panel for at least an hour and in doing so breaking a few things. Its time to get extreme. I uninstall my anti-virus software which has been acting like a pissy little bitch latley. I spend an hour online and it decides it needs 75% of my PC’s ram. Who said software doesn’t have feelings.

It goes the way of the dodo, but no nothing. Right, its the damned router, it has to be. Those things are created by Satan to infuriate us mortal souls who wish to have more than one PC in their lives. Some would call us “open” PC relationship types. I call us progressive. I unplug the bastard son of Tim Berners Lee and glare at in menacingly while the machine reboots with a trusty old DSL modem… this will wor…

You’ve GOT to be shitting me! How can old modem not work? He never fails me. He, he… he LIKES me! In that place between lost and hopeless and at the corner of fuck-it-all; I decide to go buy comfort food. I see a little boy racer get out of a tiny car with a swagger, I winked and got into my car, he looked to the floor. Minor Victory number two.

I have a pack of Rockys, a pack of wine gums, two 500ml bottles of coke zero, a copy of BMW Car and 4 lottery scratch cards. I comfort bought. Didn’t win anything on the scratch cards. I just wanted SOMETHING to cheer about. I watch mind numbing BBC Parliment. I realise I’m weird.

Ok last ditch effort, can I hack my work laptop around the firewall, so I can access google and MSN to fix this damn thing on my PC? Turns out yes, yes I can, but it takes 2 hours to fix all the problems with my laptop I didn’t know I had. But no, I’m NEARLY there, I have MSN working on something it should be impossible to do. I am greater than any God, I am a GOODLE! Fuck you Bill Gates. Fuck YOU! Ok google:

“Key Ports error”, “MSN”

There are 8 possible solutions. I go through them all one by one, eaching taking roughly 10 mins. Each time I boot my PC my freeview drops out. I throw a pack of new socks out of the window in anger. I go to retrive them and stubb my toe in the process. Who’s grandmothers grave did I piss on? Seriously…

I have MSN working on my laptop, but I want FACEBOOK, so bad. I need it. I have… reasons… I NEED COMMUNICATION.

Then it hits me. Uninstall an obscure peice of software my PC isn’t using. I know. It sounds strange, a longshot even. But I KNEW it would work. I felt like columbus embarking from spain. Something GOOD would come of this action. I reboot. I leave the room and have a long winding poo. I return, and MSN is signed in. Outlook boots, facebook loads.

My life is complete. 9 hours and 37 minutes after intitally wanting to just “check the regular sites”. I win. Victory.

Never ever think yourself unfortunate for struggling to use excel EVER. I will headbutt you. Whoever you are. Except Scott who has a REALLY hard head. Ill just sacktap that goon.