And you thought YOU hated PCs?

The better you are with PC’s the more frustrating the problems are. You’d think when you can strip a PC down, build one from scratch and know how every component works PC’s would be your bitch, and never mistifying or obstreperous in any way.

Wrong. Fail. Lose.

I woke up after about 5 hours of sleep this afternoon, quite content to have a lazy day in with my newly arrived freeview box, XBox 360, downloaded tv shows and new HDTV. Except my PC wouldn’t turn on, the freeview didn’t work and the Xbox 360 wouldnt connect to a network. Shit, poo, excrement!

So I hunker down to the wires and wonder that is the back of my PC and begin fiddling, turn on? Nope, nothing. Fiddle some more, remove a few cables. AHA! It boots! But no network. Ok turn off, OOH LOOK, Freeview works. Turn PC off. Freeview died. WHAT THE SMEG. I can only watch freeview when I turn my PC off. I NEVER TURN MY PC off. Its curing cancer, and, more importantly downloading episodes of heroes!

I get angry, throw things, and placate myself with an hour of friends. This amuses me lightly. Jenifer Aniston is hot. Mild sense of achievement.

It annoys me that the machine is trying to beat me. Why won’t my router resolve a DNS? How come I can’t watch heroes on my LCD? And why the hell do I have the window open and the fan blowing when its cold and rainy? I decide to take a urination (… yes its a verb now, I created it, thats what I do, start things), and crack on with beating this damn issue. Wait a second, MAYBE what caused the crash is the very stretched HDMI cable falling out of the video card and dislodging it from the AGP slot. Its enough to cause an interupt at least. More rear PC porn ensues and I find I can now watch heroes on my LCD. Episode 21 in GLORIOUS HD. Turns out Sylar… well, you’ll see.

Still its NAGGING away at me that the damn machine won’t connect. Who does it think it is. Its not BETTER than me, it cant win, they never do. I always win… eventually. My father feeds me keish (which I can’t spell, and hate, but it saved actually cooking or buying food). I perform surgery on my machine, fiddling in the control panel for at least an hour and in doing so breaking a few things. Its time to get extreme. I uninstall my anti-virus software which has been acting like a pissy little bitch latley. I spend an hour online and it decides it needs 75% of my PC’s ram. Who said software doesn’t have feelings.

It goes the way of the dodo, but no nothing. Right, its the damned router, it has to be. Those things are created by Satan to infuriate us mortal souls who wish to have more than one PC in their lives. Some would call us “open” PC relationship types. I call us progressive. I unplug the bastard son of Tim Berners Lee and glare at in menacingly while the machine reboots with a trusty old DSL modem… this will wor…

You’ve GOT to be shitting me! How can old modem not work? He never fails me. He, he… he LIKES me! In that place between lost and hopeless and at the corner of fuck-it-all; I decide to go buy comfort food. I see a little boy racer get out of a tiny car with a swagger, I winked and got into my car, he looked to the floor. Minor Victory number two.

I have a pack of Rockys, a pack of wine gums, two 500ml bottles of coke zero, a copy of BMW Car and 4 lottery scratch cards. I comfort bought. Didn’t win anything on the scratch cards. I just wanted SOMETHING to cheer about. I watch mind numbing BBC Parliment. I realise I’m weird.

Ok last ditch effort, can I hack my work laptop around the firewall, so I can access google and MSN to fix this damn thing on my PC? Turns out yes, yes I can, but it takes 2 hours to fix all the problems with my laptop I didn’t know I had. But no, I’m NEARLY there, I have MSN working on something it should be impossible to do. I am greater than any God, I am a GOODLE! Fuck you Bill Gates. Fuck YOU! Ok google:

“Key Ports error”, “MSN”

There are 8 possible solutions. I go through them all one by one, eaching taking roughly 10 mins. Each time I boot my PC my freeview drops out. I throw a pack of new socks out of the window in anger. I go to retrive them and stubb my toe in the process. Who’s grandmothers grave did I piss on? Seriously…

I have MSN working on my laptop, but I want FACEBOOK, so bad. I need it. I have… reasons… I NEED COMMUNICATION.

Then it hits me. Uninstall an obscure peice of software my PC isn’t using. I know. It sounds strange, a longshot even. But I KNEW it would work. I felt like columbus embarking from spain. Something GOOD would come of this action. I reboot. I leave the room and have a long winding poo. I return, and MSN is signed in. Outlook boots, facebook loads.

My life is complete. 9 hours and 37 minutes after intitally wanting to just “check the regular sites”. I win. Victory.

Never ever think yourself unfortunate for struggling to use excel EVER. I will headbutt you. Whoever you are. Except Scott who has a REALLY hard head. Ill just sacktap that goon.